Why do so many women fear they will never be enough?

Unpacking three major factors in the loss of feeling “Enough”

By Brittany Hachey

Brittany Hachey, Holistic Relations Coach, Yoga Teacher, and founder of Embodied Essence shares an exploration, a hypothesis, and an invitation to join her in unpacking what she believes are three major factors in the loss of Enough and how we can rewrite the script.

Brittany Hachey unpacks what she believes are three major factors in the loss of Enough and how we can rewrite the script. Photo: DeeDee Morris

Where did we go wrong

Twice in the span of three months, I opened the door to a room full of hundreds of women and walked in, took my seat, opened my notebook, and took a breath.

I was totally unprepared for what was to come next.

In Whistler, Cheryl Strayed took the stage. In Halifax it was Liz Gilbert. In each session we wrote...

“Dear Brittany, this is your Fear, and this is what I want to tell you...”

On each occasion, the authors invited volunteers up to the stage to share what they had written.

Tears streaming down their cheeks, one after another shared:

“I am afraid I will never be enough...”
“I am afraid I will never be enough...”
“I am afford I will never be enough...”

Again, and again, and again.

The authors looked out at the room and said:

“If you had ‘I am afraid I will never be enough’ as one of the first three lines on your page, please stand up.”

Every single woman stood up from her chair.

Let me write that again.

Every. Woman. Stood.

The room fell silent. We looked around. Damp eyes looked back at us.

We silently held sacred space for the collective pain of each and every woman in the room who felt that she was not Enough. Not Enough for love, for work, for their children, their parents, their friends, the world...

After each session, I couldn’t help but wonder why? Why does an entire room full of intelligent, beautiful, successful women, who are doing the work, and committed to growth, fear that they will NEVER be enough?

Where have we gone wrong in society, and what can we do to shift the narrative and facilitate the embodiment of Enough in our society?

Independence vs. dependence

First, in his book, Tribe, Sebastian Junger beautifully describes and ties together human evolution and the disappearance of community: “First agriculture, then industry changed two fundamental things about the human experience. The accumulation of personal property allowed people to make more and more individualistic choices about their lives, and those choices unavoidably diminishes group efforts towards a common good. And as society modernized, people found themselves able to live independently from any communal group. A person living in a modern city or suburb can, for the first time in history, go through an entire day, or an entire life, mostly encountering strangers. They can be surrounded by others and yet feel deeply, dangerously alone.”

In her book, Loving Bravely, Dr. Alexandra Solomon states that “(North) American culture prizes independence and that growing up in an individualistic culture affects our choices in intimate relationships.”

In this way, we see significant evidence that we have moved rapidly away from communal living and have set independence as a goal post to achieve.

But our biology does not have the capacity to keep up with the rapid changes we have experienced in society, and as a result, there is a significant feeling of disconnect between what we need and desire at a fundamental level, and what society shows and tells us is the way things should be.

This disconnect has directly affected the rates of anxiety and depression in our modern society, and I believe this is directly correlated to the significant feelings of Not Enough within our communities.

As beautiful as independence is, the true spectrum of dependence is long, and contains many grey areas.

I feel that there is a space along the spectrum for us to meet each other, maintain our individuality and independence, while simultaneously supporting and being supported by others.

It is within this balanced mindset that we amplify our individual sense of Enough, and that of those around us. And when we do this, when there is support and love, everyone rises up. The vibration of the planet rises, and we can all exhale a sigh of relief and know we are held. That we are Enough.

Hachey says she feels there is a space along the spectrum for us to meet each other, maintain our individuality and independence, while simultaneously supporting and being supported by others. Photo: DeeDee Morris.

The loss of sense of place

Secondly, the way we have built and designed our cities has taken away from our sense of place. When we have a difficult time defining where we are in space and time, we have a similarly difficult time defining who we are. If we cannot define who we are, we start to feel that we don’t fit in, that we are lost, that we are Not Enough.

Supporting this, James Howard Kunstler writes, in his book, Geography of Nowhere, “The place where the dream home stood—a subdivision of many other identical dream houses—was neither the county nor the city--it was no place...” and “The overall consequence is that we have lost our sense of community—living in places that have lost their sense of community, we have forgotten that connections are important.”

Confusion and uncertainty are two things that make us feel lost, and can directly feed into our sense of Not Enough.

In this way, our work in this aspect is to bring awareness and consciousness to the places that we frequent, and how we create and decorate our personal spaces.

Lean in to the energy of your towns and cities, feel what places resonate with you and which ones don’t. Let the vibrations fill you with joy and beauty, and allow them to lift you up. Feel into the truth of who you are and what you love, and decorate your spaces to reflect that, not what you see in magazines or on Pinterest—trendy may not be what makes you feel safe and at home

When we can consciously surround ourselves with energy that elevates us, we can find more of a sense of Enough within ourselves.

Hachey says the way we have built and designed our cities has taken away from our sense of place.

Avoiding Attachment theory

Lastly, and this may be the most significant of all three, the shift in our societal and cultural thinking about attachment has caused us to think of attachment in a negative light, when in fact we have evolved to be dependent on others because it kept us safe. In fact, in talking about dating culture and relationships, I notice that Attachment is the new “F” word. It’s bad, and we dare not speak of it. It must be avoided at all costs.

However, the more we avoid attachment to others, the more we resist our innate biology. When we don’t allow others to show up for us, or allow ourselves to show up for others, we all end up feeling let down, alone, and Not Enough.

In their book Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller state that “Attachment theory is based on the assertion that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes.”

They go on to say that “we have been bred to be dependent on each other...In fact, the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures. This mechanism, called attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviours that ensure we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones.”

We have always needed each other, and we always will. We need to learn to allow ourselves to feel deeply, and create intimate bonds and partnerships with people.

When we can step together from a place of intuition and knowing, we can develop connections with each other that are bilateral and help us lift up those around us while at the same time allowing ourselves to be elevated by others. In this way we can safely create a supportive environment where everyone is able to step into self, touch their truth, and feel deeply into their worthiness and elevated Sense of Enough.

We need to learn to allow ourselves to feel deeply, and create intimate bonds and partnerships with people, says Hachey. Photo: DeeDee Morris

What we can do to shift the narrative and facilitate the embodiment of Enough in our society

So, I invite you, after reading this article, to simply close your eyes for a moment and feel into the people and places that surround you, and how they either contribute to your sense of Enough, or don’t.

In a similar way, look within yourself to see how you show up in the world and how you help to foster a sense of Enough in those who choose to spend time in your energy.

Give yourself permission to feel into the bonds and attachments you can develop with people. It's not a thing to be feared. It is a thing to receive, to open to, and witness its beauty. Accept love. Show up for others.

I know it’s scary. I know it goes against everything society tells us. But it is so fully in line and resonant with our biology and our evolution that if we just allow ourselves to surrender to the totality of the human experience and stop fighting what is coded into our DNA, we will rise up in love and our collective feelings of Enough will skyrocket.

Smile at the stranger on the street. Hug your partner extra tight. Tell your best friend you love them. Believe in Love and know that when you turn towards your community, close your eyes and turn towards your heart, your soul, your wild, that the answers will come, and that most of all, you are Enough.

Brittany Hachey is a Holistic Relations Coach and Yoga Teacher who leads from Lived and Learned experience, weaving Science with Spirit, while intentionally creating balance between the Masculine and Feminine Energies. She strives to change the narrative about Self Love and Communication within relationships. Embodiment and Feelings are at the heart of her work as she helps you to Unwind, Embody and Amplify the Essence of who you are and how you show up in the world.